What Is Your Truth?

The Truth: I was beautiful. I still had my whole life ahead of me. I did have a loving Heavenly Father who was aware of my situation. I had so much potential and so much love around me. I wasn’t ruined because of what happen to me when I was little. I wasn’t dirty. I wasn’t broken. I wasn’t alone.

My Truth (what I believed): I was dirty. I was full of shame. I was ruined. I was ugly. I was fat. I always came short. I was unworthy of any love. I would never be what other’s wanted me to be. God didn’t love me, how could He when I was filthy. 

It took me a long time to find the truth, or at least to start believing some of it. I still struggle daily. I have to remind myself: One day at a time. The Lord has all power. I will relax and trust Him. 

I have to patient with myself. Reminding myself that “my truth” runs deep into my soul. I went through traumatic experience that my little 6 year old self couldn’t handle. She did the best she could. She did what she had to do to cope, to breathe, to keep going. 

My heart was shattered, just like any person would have been in my situation.

I now get the opportunity to go open the vaulted dungeon doors in my heart. I have to, so I can move forward. 

We all must do have a heart renovation. Which means going back, barging into every tiny particular of our hearts. We must face our truths about ourselves and see the lies we have still hold on to. 

It’s going to be hard and emotion. It going to take time. Lots of time! But only then can we love ourselves. Only then can we love the skin we are in.

The first time I was asked what I believe about myself I sobbed. I hated who I was. My therapist had me write down everything I believed about myself. EVERYTHING! Positive and Negative. 

There was a lot more negative than positive. It was hard to write it down on paper. I was overwhelmed and depressed because I wanted desperately to love myself. I just always looked in the wrong places.

I am still learning. I am still trying to change the negative into positive. It usually starts out my faking it, but then the Lord helps me make it. 

Look at your heart. Write down your truths, even if you “know” you shouldn’t be feeling this way. See where it takes you. Step by step.

And don’t forget that it’s going to be okay. That your heart will heal, day by day. 

Much love, 

Rachel 

Inspiration

I want to thank all those who helped me write my story.

First and foremost, My wonderful husband!

He has always been a huge support.

I am so grateful he fixed all my spelling errors and goofy sentences.

Thank you for letting me get wet mascara all of your shirts as I cry.

Thank you for listening to me.

But most of all thank you for encouraging me to open up, to share with others.

Thank you for marrying me in the temple. I know we will be together forever.

I love you!


I always want to thank those of you that share your personal stories about your recovery.

It has helped me know that I am not a lone.

It inspires me to reach out more.

It helps me in so many ways.

THANK YOU!!


Stephanie Nielsen was truly an inspiration to me.

I actually was able to meet her recently.

My mother set it up as my birthday present.

It was exactly what I needed.

(and she is even more delightful and beautiful in person!!)

She helped me see that:

1. We can get through anything.
2. That we are so strong, and indestructible with the Lord in our lives.
3. That all our stories can help uplift others.

She is a gem!

I want to thank Christa Black for her amazing story, that just came across.

That was NO coincidence!!!!!

Her story is beautiful! So excited to read your book, which I just got in the mail. Woohooo!

I want to thank my family, friends and co-workers. Your stories are inspiring. And although most of them do not know about this blog or/and what I am struggle with, the day will come where they will  know how much they have helped me and molded me.

I am have been searching for other stories or books that are inspiring.

The scriptures are an amazing place to start!  (I will go in to detail about that another time)

(If know any, PLEASE, post below. Thanks)

Oh how wonderful our Lord is.

I hope that we can all tell our stories and be an inspiration to those around us.

We can all learn from each other.

Thank you for helping me learn!

Much love,

Rachel

My Story

Dear Reader,

Writing my story is something that has taken a long time. I have re-written it countless times. But lately everywhere I go the Lord is inspiring me and pushing me to reach out to someone. 

Whoever you are, I am so grateful that you are here. I hope that you can feel the Spirit and receive the strength you need from the Lord. I am a 22 year old woman who is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  By sharing my story I hope to show you that you’re not alone, that God loves you, and that there is hope through Him. 

This is my story: 

I am a daughter of God who is recovering from an addiction to masturbating which led me to pornography, cutting myself, anorexia, over exercising, binge eating, co-dependency, lying, and a variety of other destructive patterns. 

I learned about masturbation at a young age as I was abused.  It was then magnified as I spent time with other kids my age who had been victims of abusers and we innocently acted on what we had learned.  Being young, only 6 or 7 years old, I felt uncomfortable, but couldn't explain why. 

Nobody talked about masturbating, at least not where I grew up. It wasn’t until I was 13 years old that I learned from friends that what I was doing had a name and that “Mormon’s were NOT allowed to do it.” 

I remember trying to understand it all. I decided then and there I was going to stop. Stop forever!! I think I made it a few hours then I indulged in my addiction, after becoming frustrated. I felt horrible! I was so overwhelmed and guilt began to flood my daily life now knowing that what I was doing was wrong. I felt like I was covered in filth. 

I would pray to God begging Him to take away the temptation. I didn’t choose this. I was too young to understand. I was so confused! I didn’t understand why the Lord wouldn’t simply take it away. So I tried to change my behavior on my own. Every day was so painful. If any emotions came up I was trembling and screaming inside. Of course, I didn’t know how to deal with emotion, I had always just numbed out. 

I felt horrible masturbating, but the longer I was “abstinent” the more depressed I was. I felt so angry ALL the time. I begin feeling like the Lord hadn’t taken away my problem and that I deserved to be in pain. Not just mental pain but physical pain. I started to cut myself on my upper thigh. It hurt, but I “knew” I deserved it. 

This is when my self destructive habits increased.  I wanted to stop masturbating but I simply replaced it with other harmful behaviors. I thought I was fat so I tried making myself throw up, and when I had a hard time doing that I stopped eating. Shortly after, I knew I needed to stop that. I was sick all the time. I was scared that if I kept pretending to eat that too many people would notice me. I thought that I didn’t deserve anyone’s attention.

In high school it became more about over exercising and being who everyone else wanted me to be. My depression was terrible, but I hide it, because once again I didn’t think I deserved anyone’s time or attention. I realized that I wasn’t happy and I had the desire to change.  I was in and out of bishop’s offices. I would tell them bits and pieces but never anything about masturbating. I was to ashamed to even say the word. I felt dirty, sick, and completely worthless. I felt like God didn’t love me. 

During my high school and early college years I found that men could please my addiction and I justified it as love. I loved the physical attention from them. If I didn’t get the physical love I “needed” I would be furious. I then in turn acted out in my addiction constantly. 

I plunged into my addiction, because I felt the shame was to much to handle. I had to numb out. This led to pornography, deeper isolation, more shame, more anger, and more triggers.  This left me hopeless and completely alone. 

I had hit a complete rock bottom. As this point in my life I was with a man who didn’t love me, but only needed me to fulfill his appetites. And I didn’t love him either. One day (I don’t know how) the Lord showed me that I was at a fork in the road.  I could literally see the road separate in front of me.  I was standing there not knowing where to go.  The right side looked straight and easy but in the distance I could see that it became dark, windy, hazardous, and overall very lonely.

I then looked to the path on my left thinking that I would be easy and bright.  I knew this was the way of the Lord, but I expected this path to be an effortless and happy journey.  However, to my dismay the path had a lot of rocks, it looked cold, and in the distance I could see a cliff that would need to be climbed.  I knew that I would have to climb and that it would be impossible by myself.  I knew that I would have to let go of many “possessions” in order to make the climb possible.

Neither of these paths were easy.  I realized that I was going to need help. Help that included talking with my bishop and being completely honest with Him and the Lord. 

This is when I attempted to go to my single’s ward bishop. Unfortunately, he was a friend of my parents. I remember sitting outside waiting to see him, screaming at myself inside to “turn back.” I don’t remember how the conversation went because I was so nervous. But the parts I do remember have changed my life forever. He accepted me. He loved me.  It was so hard to accept that, after years of feeling like I didn’t deserve it. He gave me counsel, books, etc. Even though it was hard and I cancelled many appointments out of shame; I kept going back to see him, and even though it was very challenging I loved knowing that someone really knew me and still loved and accepted me. 

Even though I was seeing my bishop the Spirit I felt there didn’t last me between meetings I still had a hard time letting my lifestyle go. I began to start living what I considered a “double life”. I longed to feel the love that the bishop had for me but the outside world continued to entice me to make wrong choices. I was so scared, so unsure.  My bishop soon realized that I wanted to change but wasn’t taking the steps on my own to let go of the things that were holding me back.  One particular meeting my bishop was very straight with me and reminded me that it was my path to choose, and I knew he was right.  It wasn’t easy but as I continued to live the way I was I little by little I could see and feel that I really wanted something different.

One day my bishop introduced me to the  LDS Twelve Step Addiction Recovery Program. He gave me a manual and said we would work the steps together. I remember having the desire to change, but at the same time I felt like it would end just as all the others had, leaving me back where I started. 

I soon learned that the recovery programs had “groups” nearby that I could attend.  However it was a while before I decided to actually attend.  My bishop promised me that there were other women and girls going thru the same things I was, and I had a deep desire to find others I could relate to.  I then began to search harder for an “all women's” group that I could attend.  The first time I drove the a nearby church where a meeting was being held.  However, I felt too ashamed and too nervous and could only sit in my car and watch other go inside.  I tried to attend a variety of 12 Step meetings looking for one where I could feel comfortable.  But up to this point I hadn’t found a meeting where there were others with struggles similar to my own.

One day while looking online for 12 Step Groups one popped out at me.  It was a “Women's Addiction Recovery Group”.  I was so excited because all the “women only” groups I had been to were support groups for families who had loved ones that struggled with addiction.  That very week I attended the meeting.  I remember walking into the room a few minutes after it had already begun.  There were at least 15 women there, much more than I was expecting.  I remember assuming that most of them would be there for eating disorders.  As each woman began to share it was obvious that all of them had similar addictions.  While I don’t hardly remember what specifically was shared I remember feeling the Spirit which was something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

I remember going home after feeling so much joy that I had been guided to find this group.  That’s when I realized that for a long time it had been Satan trying to make me feel like I was all alone.  He tried to make me feel that no one could help because a sexual addiction is “only a man’s problem” and that no one could relate to me.  I felt a hope that I had never felt so strongly.  I actually felt like this time would be different.  That this time I had really found the means to help me change.

2 years have past and I continue to attend that same women’s group.  It has changed my life in the most amazing ways for the better.  And although attending this group has been one of the greatest helps on my road to recovery it is still a road none the less.  A rocky road filled with ups and downs just as the path the Lord had shown me years before.

I tell my story to show that there is hope. That you are not alone.  That there are resources and people that can help you grow closer to Christ, no matter how lost you may feel.  By sharing my experience I ultimately hope to show that we have a loving God. A God of forgiveness.  A God of hope. A God who listens to our prayers and is aware of us individually. I know this with every fiber of my being. The happiness that I have found is worth every trial and struggle that I have passed through. I realize just as before that the climb truly is impossible if attempted alone. But thanks to the 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program I have learned that it is made possible through Christ. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

No Trial We Suffer Is Wasted

Yesterday at work  a co-worker exclaimed “This world is a horrible place!” She went on to read the news, out loud, which was in fact heart breaking. It made my tummy turn. Yet, I couldn’t help thinking that God is Good. 

Why does God allow bad things happen to good people? 

A question we have all heard over and over, at least I have. 

Well, Orson F. Whitney put it perfectly:

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father in Heaven."

Readers...who ever you are. I promise with my every fiber of my soul that everything we go through is for a reason. What YOU are going through this very second is for a reason. It’s okay to have hard days, it’s okay to doubt if the Lord is there, or feel like what you are through will never end. But never turn your back on a loving God. Cry, let it out...to Him. Don’t use it against the Lord. 

One of my favorite songs is: Better Than a Hallelujah

I probably have posted it on here before. Haha. But here is it: 

Listen especially to the chorus:

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are 

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah

Scream out your "melody" to God.  I know you can do it! We all can! Whatever you are going through. God is so much more than good. He is perfect, absolutely perfect. 

Much love, 

Rachel 

This Is Me

I am not a great writer. 

I actual suffer from dyslexia!

Thank you spell check.

So I have been working on writing “My Story”. I realized that I have so much to tell and am not sure exactly how to write it. It is something I have felt very self conscious about. 

You see, before I feared writing my story. Now it is more of a fear that I will write it and not have things flow in a way that the spirit can touch the souls of those who are reading it.

If you could pray for me. I would appreciate it so very much! It would be bring me a lot of comfort. 

Another thing, I want to be more me on here. I spend so much time reading other blogs that I tend to spend me time re-reading and re-writing the things I write on my own blog. I do not want that to be that case anymore. Just wanna me, mistakes and all.

So here is a little bit more about me.

My name is Rachel, I know it has been places throughout my blog. But I have never officially introduced myself. So there it is. 

I am 22 years old.

I love to take photos, especially of old abandon building, bridges, and especially this beautiful land we live in. 

I have recently started to read tons. I love it! There are so many inspiring stories out there. Thank you to all of those out there that had written their story. 

I love watching HGTV and dreaming of design my first home. 

I have been married for just over 1 year to a very supportive husband. 

I love the step 12 program! I mean I love, love, LOVE the LDS 12 step addiction recovery program. 

I love the Lord and every day I am learning more about Him. Which helps me know who I really am. 

I want to serve and touch hearts around me. I don’t know what the Lord has in store for me....where this blog or my story will really go. If I will tell my family and friends, or if staying more “anonymous” is the best way for me to help others for.  Whatever it is, I am grateful to find out. I know He will guide me and for one of the first times in my life I am so excited for the present day and all I get to do with it, through the lord.

So this is me. The real me. My addiction does not define me. My recovery does. 

Thank you all for reading. Hope I can get to know you all better.

Much Love,

Rachel

Hold Nothing Back

I recently had someone pass away that was very dear to me. It was heart wrenching. She was my second mother, my earth angel. 

As I attended her funeral I had more mixed emotions than I have in such a long time. Part of me had regret, did I see her enough? Did I do enough for her? Did I express my love for her enough? Did I serve her enough? Did I etc, etc

The other part of me was sad. Not just any kind of sad. The kind of sadness that hurts your soul. The kind that makes you feel compeltely and utterly lost. 

I am so grateful that I was able to experience such heart wrenching feelings and know that Jesus Christ has felt every thing I am feeling. That through these experiences I am able to fully depend on God. That every single time I have felt overwhelmed that I am to cry to the lord and tell Him that I miss her. Tell him I sad. 

I am so glad I was able to understand step 7 at a new level. Step 7 is humility. I had to humbly ask the Lord the Lord for help. I had to hold nothing back from my Heavenly parents and my heavenly brother. I had to completely be vulnerable or I know I would have slipped or even relapsed. 

I know without a doubt that where I am today is because of the Lord. I know that the more I draw unto Him the more He draws near to me. I am so thankful that I have a brother who has felt all these feelings. Every single thing. I know that every tear we shed He has shed. I know it without a doubt. I wish I could reach through this screen to every single person and hug you, and tell you that there is a God. Not just any God, but a loving mercy father. He loves you, please let him. I promise you won’t regret it.

Much love,

Rachel, a grateful daughter of God

See Beneath My Mask

Recently I came across a song called "Beneath your Beautiful" by Labrinth. I want to share some of the lyrics with you.

You've carried on so long,

You couldn't stop if you tried it.

You've built your wall so high

that no one could climb it,

But I'm gonna try.

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?

Would you let me see beneath your perfect?

Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl

I wanna see inside

Would you let me see beneath you beautiful tonight.

I have been listening to this song over and over again today. It has taken on a special meaning. So hear me out on this: 

I have a really hard time knowing how I really feel. A lot of times when people ask me how I am, or what I am feeling, I have NO idea. Lately it has been something that I have been praying about and really trying to get inspiration from the Lord. The past few days it has been sinking in more and more. Thank you Lord for touching my spirit. For helping me be honest about myself and my feelings.

This is what I have come to realize. I have a lot of fear still. My past and my addiction's are something that I haven't let a lot of people in on. I have so many feelings that I want to express, but I am held back with fear. 

It is not so much that I don't know how I feel. I do, sometime I have just have to focus. Ha. But seriously! I didn't even know the fear was there. But the Lord gave me eyes to see. It has been a beautiful experience. I want to share some details of it.

So for the past few weeks when I attend an LDS 12 step program group I have felt like I should share my story. The first time I felt it, it was almost my turn to share. So I justified saying that I couldn't share that fast and that I would ponder it and tell it next week. Then the next week at group I had something that I thought was perfect to share, even though I still thought I should share my story (Ahhh! Can you believe that?!!?) So just this last Wednesday I had a prompting AGAIN to share it. I was so nervous. I kept praying. I was literally shaking. 

And I DID IT! I shared my story in group. I honestly don't know if what I share made sense, but I shared. And guess what happen? I felt amazing. I felt so open, so real!!! I felt free and more happy then ever before in group. I felt the spirit so strong. I felt united with the group girls so much more. 

Since then I have really realized how much fear I hold on to still. I have typed up my story to pst here, on my blog, yet don't ever post it. Seriously!!! I have always felt like I wasn't ready, that I put to much info or not enough, that I would offended someone, etc etc ALL FEARS FROM THE ADVERSARY! I bet Satan is so anger that the Lord has helped me figure this out little by little! 

BUT IT MAKES ME SO CRAZY GIDDY!!!! 

Really everyone, I am so glad the Lord had so much patiences with me, and always does. He answered my prayers, and always does. 

I know that by realizing that I hold back so much I am now able to stop, listen to the spirit more, realize it is fear and turn it into faith. That I can tell other people what I have been through. That I can be a light to those around me. 

I was in the temple and a few days ago and came across this scripture.  I know that I have heard it or read it heaps of times, but I literally feel overwhelmed with the beauty of it right now.

It is found in 3 Nephi 12. And reads: 

14. Verily, Verily, I say unto you, I give unto you to be the light of this people. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.

15. Behold, do men light a candle and put it under a bushel? Nay, but on a candlestick, and it giveth light to all that are in the house;

16. Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven. 

It is my hope that I can be that light. That I can show people my God. That I can "giveth light to all that are in the house".  I see so many doors opening. I see so many wonderful opportunities for me. I am so blessed. I am so grateful that I am not a lone in these addictions. So grateful for this blog network, that we can unite and drag each other out of isolation, or any other thing that Satan tells us. 

Back to the Lyrics up top, I know that I built a wall against God and others. I am so happy to be tearing them down, with the Lord's help, even if it is just one brick at a time. 

I want those around me to see beyond my "mask" I want them to really see who I am. I do not want to walk with shame and/or fear, but with the light of Christ. I want everyone to see "inside" of me, not just tonight, but always. 

I hope that we can all turn to God and let him break the chains that are weighing us done. That we can turn to Him to find His light. That we can turn to Him always, moment by moment and never forget all that He has done for us. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

MUCH MUCH LOVE!!

-Rachel