The Miracle Is You

I know everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew why.

About two weeks ago I started having some abdominal pain. It has progressively gotten worse. If I eat the pain increases. I am uncomfortable. I am bloated. .....blah, blah, blah! Gallbladder abnormality has my name written ALL over it.

(I am not just complaining, promise! this post has a point.)

Because of the slight limitations I have had the last few weeks I have become very frustrated. The pain comes and goes, so I always get my hopes up that it is gone. But wham, its back! 

I didn’t realize how much I was complaining and how anger I was until my husband asked if I wanted a blessing. (I SHOULD HAVE ASKED WEEKS EARLY!!!!) Of course, I knew it was exactly what I needed. 

My husband gave me a blessing. And the Lord had so much to tell me. I know He was there holding my hand telling me that He understood. I know it is a small thing (especially compared to other people’s illness), but the Lord knows to me it is a trial. He truly knows how I feel. 

Another part that stood out in the blessing was that the Lord said something a long the lines of...you worked hard to get this body. You were so excited to get it. Treasure it! Lean on me. I will guide you to doctors and people that can help you. 

I know I get so caught up in what I have that when it’s gone I get so angry. I know (or think) we all do.... Like when I get a cold/ sinus infection. I can’t taste anything. My head is pounding. My body achy. I wish it would go away so bad. I want to breathe, taste and have energy. But right when that is gone, I don’t even notice. It is just a part of everyday life. 

I am grateful for this physical affliction right now. It gives me time to trust in the Lord more. I have the opportunity to be reminded every day that I have been given such a beautiful gift, my body.  

I came across this video today (and even though watching it was sorta weird the words and the message are awesome!)

I hope we can call realize the miracles that are around us everyday. 

Much love! 

An Amazing Reminder

Grateful for this wonderful reminder. I am grateful for all the Lord has given me. I pray that I can come to understand by own beauty..... both out and within.

Oh, How He Loves Us!

I relapsed last week. After over a year....

I was in shock. I kept telling myself that it didn't really happen. I remember feeling like it was a user dream. I wanted to wake up so bad, roll over to my husband and know that everything was okay. Know that I had kept my covenants and had the spirit in my life.  But it was/is reality. 

It took me days to really feel. I was numb and so confused. Five days later (after we had returned from a family vacation) I couldn't be in denial anymore. I had to tell my husband, the lord and myself. Yes, myself. I had to be honest. I prayed all day. Not really knowing exactly what to say. 

I keep picturing the sadness that would overcome my husband. I thought of the day of our sealing, and was overwhelmed with shame. Complete shame and deep sadness. But I knew what would happen if I wasn't honest with myself, the Lord and my husband....more relapses! More shame! More guilt! 

After a day of praying. I told my husband. Well, it wasn't that easy to tell him. I started sobbing. And he held me, and held me. Ten plus minutes later I mutter....I slipped. I slipped......I am so sorry.

He took both of his hands, grabbed my face (that was buried in his shoulder) and said, "I forgive you." It was as if I was looking into the eyes of the Savior. He wiped my tears, he held me, he listen, his eyes were full of compassion.  Just like the Savior would have if He was here on earth.

I am not trying to say that my relapse didn't affect him, Of course it did! My husband has feelings. But I am so grateful he is a worthy priesthood holder that could be overcome with the spirit and be there in the very moment that I needed him most, and felt I deserved him the least. 

This past week my husband and I have been able to talk about a lot more. I have been able to get rid of some shame, not only with my husbands help, but the Lord's. 

Two days ago I was feeling so much better, but still felt so distant from the Lord. I knew it was satan!! I prayed in the morning for strength to forgive myself and to be reminded of God's love for me.

On my way home from work I heard a song on the radio, that I have heard millions of times. But this time it was like the first time I had really understood the words.

The whole song is beautiful! 

The words that stood out to me were....

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these Afflictions eclipsed by glory And I realize how beautiful you are and how great your afflictions for me....Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes. If grace is an ocean we're all sinking. So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss. And my heart burns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets. When I think about the way He loves us.

I know that is pretty much the whole song. Haha! But really how beautiful! Afflictions eclipsed by the glory of our God who loves us....Who wants to help us! 

I know that by relapsing He doesn't love me ANY LESS! I know Satan is trying to make me feel that way. I am so grateful for the beautiful message in this song. So grateful that it can remind me that I am loved by a merciful God. That I am cared about and always will be.

I hope I can never forget this.... He loves us, He loves me, and He does love you. If you don't know that then you should ask Him, let Him in, He wants to help.

And thank you all for being there for me. I am so inspired by all of your blogs and supportive comments. 

Much love and blessing