The Crawl

My therapist showed me this video a few years ago. The other day I showed my husband and now I want to share it with all of you. 

It is entitled “The Crawl”. It is incredible! It is so hard to watch the pain of the runners. I could NEVER imagine that. Yet we all feel pain suffering, evil, good, happiness...etc. We all knew before we came here what we would feel. Life is not only joyful, but sometimes overwhelming.  

Each of us are given our own ‘unique’ trials. We are given trails (addictions) to “become perfected in Him”. To learn how to rely on the Lord. There have been times where I believed my trials where to much. I would cry out as Joseph Smith,”Oh God, where art thou”. I have felt like those runners. Putting all my effort and falling, completely exhausted. 

In “Experiencing Christ” Randall J. Brown says: God causes things to happen at exactly the right time. We must, therefore, stop trying to figure everything out and let the Lord be God in our lives. 

Jesus Christ came to exchange with us. Each of us can take advantage of His offer. He came so that we might give Him all our cares, problems and failures. He, in return, give us His peace and joy.

The Savior really does desire to take care of us, but we must let Him. We must stop trying to take care of ourselves and stop worrying about every little thing we cannot control. So often we insist on worrying and trying to figure things out on our own. By doing this, we miss out on the Lord’s guidance. The Savior will give us His peace if we first give Him our worries. We do this by trusting that He had the situation under control. 

What an amazing exchange! We give Him our worries and problems and He gives us His peace.” 

The Lord has said:

“For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall … follow after much tribulation.

“For after much tribulation come the blessings” (D&C 58:2–4).

I can testify to you that I know the Lord is there. He will save you. Work step 3 every day (put your trust in the Lord). “Surrender all things to Him”. 

It is my pray and hope that we can come to know that Lord, trust Him and depend on Him for every single thing in our lives. Even if is means we crawl every single inch of the way he will be there to lighten our burden, our affliction and even our addictions, but only in His timing. 

In the name of Jesus Christ,  Amen. 

Soul-deep Healing is Possible

In the book “Experiencing Christ” the author references an analogy from Rick Warren book “The Purpose Driven Life”. It goes as such:

“Imagine riding in a speedboat on a lake with an automatic pilot set to go east. If you decide to reverse and head west, you have two possible ways to change the boat’s direction. One way is to grab the steering wheel and physically force it to head in the opposite direction from where the autopilot is programmed to go. By sheer willpower you could overcome the autopilot, but you would feel consistent resistance. Your arms eventually tire of the stress, you’d let go of the steering wheel, and the boat would instantly head back east, the way it is internally programmed.”

The author of "Experiencing Christ” goes on to say:

“This is what happens when we try to change our lives through, will-power, self-discipline, or self-sufficiency. We may, through our own efforts, try to stop ourselves from...our addiction.  Our willpower may produce short-term results, but we will begin to feel tremendous inner stress because we have not dealt with the issue in our heart. If our faith is in ourselves, we will eventually relapse and return to...our addiction. This occurs because of reliance in our own insufficient strength.

There is only one way to change our internal auto pilot: to let the power of the Savior’s grace go to work in our souls and make us ‘new creatures in Christ.’ Only His infinite grace is sufficient to produce soul-deep healing.”

I am so thankful for the Lord and that He has and is directing my life. I am no longer exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated at my own efforts. For all things are possible for the Lord. I am so blessed to be reminded of this everyday. I love the Lord and through Him not only has my life been changed, I have been changed. I testify that He can and will change you. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

- A recovering addict who is accepted by God, others and herself.

Shame Of Addicts

I have had this addiction for about 14 years.  I was taught as a young children, really before I can remember. It is an addiction that has so much shame. If I even heard someone say the word ‘Masturbate’ two years ago I would cringe and feel like I literally would vomit. 

My addiction has always been very secretive. By starting this blog I was hoping to shed more shame and to help others. The definition of Shame to me is: painful, soul wrenching emotion that is caused by embarrassment, feeling unworthy or disgrace .

Guilt however is different then shame. I think of it like this:

Guilt: I have done something bad.

Actions and behavior.

VS.

Shame: I am something bad. 

Identity and self. 

There have been four different things that have helped me lift the shame of my addiction. 

1. When I started attending the twelve Step Addiction Recovery groups some shame was lifted. I finally knew that I was not alone. Satan had used this as a huge tool in my addiction. He would help me isolate myself more by making me believe that I was terrible, that my actions were unforgivable, and that if people knew who I really was they would be disgusted. By attending group I realized I was not alone!! How beautiful that was/is. If you are reading this and have had or are having these negative feelings about yourself I promise you they do not come from a loving Father in Heaven. It is the adversary and you do not have to be bond by him any longer. There are others who struggle. There is help. There is hope. 
2. In order to overcome the shame of your addiction you need to know that your addiction doesn’t define you. When my therapist asked me to say out loud “I have an addiction to masturbating”, I couldn’t do it. I felt like by admitting I was an addict I was then bond by it. However so much freedom comes from admitting you are an addict if you realize you are NOT your addiction. You are not a loser or a horrible person. This is a weakness, let it bring you to your loving father in heaven.
3. Reach out for help! Read that first sentence again!...AND again. Reach out for help!!! There are many wonderful people out there that are willing to help you. They know the painful shame of your addiction, but they also know the joy and freedom that can come from recovery. You need to be ready for help. YOU need to be the one to reach out and they will always be there.  Just like the Lord. You have to ask, but He is always there. My sponsor has helped me so many times! She is the one currently helping me realize how my addictions do not define me. 
4. Accept your loving Heavenly Father and his son , Jesus Christ and his atonement. If you are working the 12 step program you know that Step three is giving up your will. I promise that as you work your steps, ALL of them, the Lord will help you. The atonement will cover your weakness. 
5. I am adding a number five because it is so important. It is something that I have been working on with my own sponsor lately. Forgiving yourself! This is so hard for me (huge tool of the adversary!). You need to forgive yourself for every wrong step you took that led to your addiction. In step eight in the second to last paragraph it says,

”Finally, after you have listed everyone you have harmed, add one more name to the list- your own. When you have indulged in your addictions, you harmed yourself as well as others”. 

How beautiful! I promise that the Lord can help you forgive yourself. He is helping me right now. It is difficult, but as I turn my life over to the Lord it gets easier. 

I know that we can get rid of the shame of our addiction. The lord does not want us to carry that shame. In step 7 it says,” even as you feel the pains of your own rebirth, remember that His suffering, not yours ensures redemption in sin.” He has already suffered. You do not need to carry those burdens, lay them at his feet. 

It is my hope that I can do this. I have been working on it and need help with it. I am grateful to see the Lord hand’s in my life. He has removed the shame. I know it is a battle everyday, but He is still there for me. Ask, He is there for you too.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thank you for reading. 
- A recovering addict who is accepted by God, others and herself .

Committed to Jesus Christ

On Sunday my husband and I spoke in sacrament meeting.  I always get way nervous to speak, but I do love to prepare talks!! It helps me learn a lot about a specific topic. 

Today we talked about “being committed to the gospel”. I know that the Lord knew I needed to study this topic. It was amazing for me to be ponder about how I am committed to the Gospel and what I need to do better. Overall it was incredible to see how my addiction has made me committed to the Lord. 

I wanted to share my talk with you today:

Today I have been asked to speak on ‘being committed to the gospel’. What does commitment mean to you? 

President Utchdorf in the 2011 ensign told a story  of two young brothers he said,”(They) stood atop a small cliff that overlooked the pristine waters of a blue lake. This was a popular diving spot, and the brothers had often talked about making the jump—something they had seen others do.

Although they both wanted to make the jump, neither one wanted to be first. The height of the cliff wasn’t that great, but to the two young boys, it seemed the distance increased whenever they started to lean forward—and their courage was fading fast.

Finally, one brother put one foot at the edge of the cliff and moved decisively forward. At that moment his brother whispered, “Maybe we should wait until next summer.”

The first brother’s momentum, however, was already pulling him forward. “Brother,” he responded, “I’m committed!”

He splashed into the water and surfaced quickly with a victorious shout. The second brother followed instantly. Afterward, they both laughed about the first boy’s final words before plunging into the water: “Brother, I’m committed.”

Commitment is a little like diving into the water. Either you are committed or you are not. Either you are moving forward or you are standing still. There’s no halfway.” Or as Dale Carnegie once said, “If you are not in the process of becoming the person you want to be, you are automatically engaged in becoming the person you don’t want to be.” 

Commitment as a word cannot stand alone. We must always ask, “Committed to what?” In psalms 37:5 ^aCommit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.  

Randall J Brown asks”Perhaps there are some of us here today who profess that they are committed to Jesus Christ as the son of God, or perhaps some of us may not have yet witnessed His power. Perhaps some have not yet personally experienced the surety of His promises. Maybe some of us have not yet experienced an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, to be our personal Savior. Perhaps some here today posses a significant knowledge of the scriptures, but have not experienced life in Christ. Maybe we have not experienced the process of being “reborn in him” (or taking the Lord’s name upon us.) Perhaps some of us can say that we know OF christ, while we cannot actually say we know him.“

So brothers and sisters, were you in that list? Is there something stopping you from committing yourself to the Lord?

I know that 3 years ago I could not have said that I was committed to this gospel, actually I didn’t want much to do with it. I was angry with the Lord. I was frustrated. I felt that I had been given way to many trials that I could not handle.  The scripture found in 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says,” There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” Whenever I heard that scripture or heard people discuss it I was filled with rage. I felt mocked by the words. I knew that God had given me trials that I couldn’t handle. I had tried to pray for help, and had not received my “deliverance”. I don’t remember when it exactly happen but I had hit my rock bottom. I remember crying and begging to the Lord to make it all stop. To delivery me. to help me. I felt completely forsaken. 

My trials had made me completely desperate for the need of the savior. I had come to realize my nothingness. It was not my time but his time. In the book “Experiencing Christ” by Randal J. Brown he explains his experience,”The Savior was taking me to a deeper knowledge of Him made possible only through the purging and refining process. Until I experienced such fiery trials, I had not experienced a mighty change of heart. My heart...contained weeds at its deepest levels, places that only Christ could reach. I was full of fear, guilt and resentment that served as barriers to faith hope and charity and that kept me from fully (committing myself to the) Savior”.  End quote.

I once heard a talk in sacrament meeting for a girl who had been addicted to smoking. She told us of the reality of an addiction and how it prevented her from being committed to the Savior. She then said that to get over her addiction to cigarettes she would have to plead moment by moment for relief. For the first month or so free of cigarettes she would plea with the Lord to help her for just 10 seconds and some days for every ten second she would have a silent pray in her heart pleading,”Lord give me 10 seconds”. 

I know that most of us may not have an addiction to cigarettes, However we need the Lord in every second of every day. We have to recommit to the Lord daily. Elder Maxwell puts it this way,” (We need to) rededicate ourselves to His will at the start of each day and sometimes every hour or even from moment to moment.” End quote. 

"Faithful members of the Church should be like oak trees and should extend deep roots into the fertile soil of the fundamental principles of the gospel,..." said Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve in the October 1994 general conference. "Our foundations should be solid and deep-rooted so we can withstand the winds of temptation, false doctrine, adversity, and the onslaught of the adversary without being swayed or uprooted. Members whose roots are only at the surface of the gospel need to sink them deeper until they reach the bedrock below the soft topsoil."

To be something, we must be committed. God is our Father. Jesus is our Savior, and this is His Church. We need commit ourselves to living Christlike lives regardless of the environment or opposition.

We will all face moments of trials, heartache, sadness and big decision that change the rest of our lives, as members of the Church, we must ask ourselves, “Will I dive in or just stand at the edge? Will I step forward or merely test the temperature of the water with my toes?”

I am so grateful for my trials. That they showed me my own nothingness. That they gave me a humble heart. That I am able to have a  more personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I am grateful that I have Christ, that I have His gospel. Without Him I would be nothing and no where. 

I am so thankful for all the covenants I have been able to make. I am thankful that I can take upon the name of Christ. That every sunday I get to evaluate my life and recommit to the Lord by renewing my covenants. That I have the Lord with me every second of every day if I have His spirit. 

I am so grateful that the LDS twelve step program has helped me learn to recommit my will to the Lord. I have so much to be blessed for. The Lord has taught me so much. I am so excited to get to know my Maker more. To be more committed to Him; His will, His trials, and His timing.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Blog Name

There Is No Other Way

Some of you may wonder why my blog is named “No other way” or some of you might not.....but it is something that I am going to share anyway because it means a lot to me. 

Well, I am not sure how many of you have read the book “Experiencing Christ” by Randall J. Brown. I HIGHLY recommended it (and I am even not a big reader).  Randall Brown is such an inspiring writer! This book is about his personal journal to the savior. It is beautiful to say the least. I have already read it three times, it only has 118 pages. The first time I couldn’t put the book down. Then I went back and re-read it and now I am highlighting, underling and making a mess of the book.
One day about 8 months ago I went into my bishops office with an aching heart. I had almost let my addict brain take over. I wanted to go further with my boyfriend. Fortunately, my boyfriend knew better and stopped me. At first I was angry. That was quickly replaced with shame and humiliation. I didn’t understand by brain, the cravings it had. I was upset! I felt like I had worked so hard to turn to the Lord and my brain had an on and off switch that was out of my control. It made me feel hopeless and completely trapped.  I felt like had satan was controlling me. I felt controlled by my addict.
My bishop explained to me that I had put myself into a situation where I would be tempted. (DUH!) I had done things that I knew were triggers for me personally. So, of course my addict came out. That certainly did not mean I had no control; It meant I needed to take control when I could. No justification. No getting to the edge. I needed to tell myself No. I needed to stop the “auto path” of my brain.  So difficult to do (especially if you are trying to do it on your own). And when I did feel tempted whether I gave in or not, I could certainly not let satan bring me down more. (He has a lot of lies, more to come one that).
Our talk was really good. To be honest I don’t remember a lot that he said. But I do remember he gave me the book "Experiencing Christ". I can really say this is a book that has changed me. It has helped me understand so many things. I can relate with the author in so many ways.
He is not an addict, at least not the hat talks about in this book. However, he is a man humble enough to share his story of battling depression and hardships. At the end of every chapter he ends with the sentence “There is no other way”. Meaning there is no other way then through Jesus Christ.
It sounds simple. The author just says things in the most clear, elegant way. I cannot explain it. His testimony is pouring through the pages of the book. He has helped me come to know Christ better. It is a definite MUST read, although by reading my blog you will be reading a lot that is in his book. Seriously, it could be in every post. YES! It is that good.
Hope you enjoy it!

P.s. Meet with your bishop if you can. There representing the Lord. They are angels. I promise! They are not there to judge you. (More to come about my experience with talking to my bishop(s) and all the fears that came with it.
Thanks for Reading!
- A recovering addict who is accepted by God, others and herself .

Step 7: Action Steps

In all of the 12 steps we have what are called “Action Steps” at the end of every chapter. These action steps help you to apply the step directly into your life.

As I wrote in my last entry I am currently working on step 7, which is Humility. 

In the first action step it asks us to meditate on the sacrament prayers and apply them directly to ourself. By replacing things with ‘I’ or ‘my’ to make them more personal. The past few weeks I have been doing this, and although this blog post is not about those scared experiences I challenge all to apply them directly to yourself. Write them out just for you, say them out loud just for you. It is a beautiful and sacred experience. 

By having such sacred experiences with the directing them to myself, I started to do it with some scriptures.  Two nights ago I had some time to write a scripture down and relate to myself in such a deep way. It is a scripture that is in step 7 so I thought it would be most appropriate . 

The scripture is Mosiah 4:9-12

I believe in God.

I believe He is.

I believe He created all things.

I believe He created heaven and earth

I believe He has all wisdom.

I believe that I cannot comprehend all things that the Lord comprehends.

I believe that if I repent of my sins and forsake them, and if I humble myself before God and I ask in sincerity of my heart that He will forgive me. 

And because I believe these things I will do them.

I can come to know the knowledge of the glory of God.

I can come to know His goodness.

I can come to know the taste of His love.

I can receive a remission of my own sins. 

I can have exceedingly great joy in my soul; such joy that I will remember and will always retain a remembrance the great goodness of my God.

I can know my own nothingness.

I can know His goodness towards me.

I cam know His long-suffering towards me.

I can humble myself, even in the depths of humility.

I can call upon the Lord daily. 

I can stand steadfast in my faith of that which is to come. 

When I do this....

I shall always rejoice.

I will be filled with the love of God. 

I will always retain a remission of my sins.

I shall grow in knowledge of the glory of my father which created me and the knowledge which is just and true.

I really love this! I know that I can, through the Lord achieve everything above and MORE. I know that we all can. 

I am excited to read the scripture in such a way that I can relate them to my own personal life and my recovery. Because I know that the Lord works and speaks to us individually. I did not always know that and at times it is really difficult. 

I am grateful for step 7. For this particularly action step and how it has changed my view of the scriptures. This step is helping me be humble and see things with that soften heart. 

Much love and hope,

- A recovering addict who is accepted by God, others and herself.

Step 7: Because I have God I have good!

Humility 

Key Principle: Humbly ask  Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.

I have been on this step for months and months. And I will be completely honest. I have not been doing my steps daily. It has made things rough. But I am grateful for this blog. That I can share my feelings and experiences. I hope that this can help me to keep my thoughts all in one place, see my progression and help others.

If you are not familiar with the steps they can be found online 

http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/humility-step-7

 or you can buy the whole book for $3. It has changed my life.

More on my story to come. 

But for now I want to share somethings from step 7.

The parts that stood out to be were:

Our desire was....”to become one heart and in mind with Heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. 

At this point ....“We were finally ready to have God change out very nature”

Am I ready for that? Have I given my entire self? Holding nothing back??

“Having felt a portion of the love of God, we desire to give up all our sins, even ALL inclination to sin”

The part of this quote that gets to me that most is how is says “portion”. We have only felt a tiny tiny amount of the love of the Lord, yet it is enough to give up ALL INCLINATION TO SIN!!

“ We had finally come to realize that no other name, no other way nor means, can give us a complete remission of our sins”

“Holding NOTHING back we plead with the Father”

Sometimes it s hard to not hold anything back with people around me, including the Lord. It is easy to listen to the lies this world tells me. It is easy to think that God already knows how I feel so I don’t have to tell him. 

I know I do. I know without a doubt He really does care. 

“ We had to surrender every particle or self-sufficient pride and admit that our efforts to save ourself had been insufficient”.

By this step “we had not become entirely free from the desire to sin. We had to learn to accept life on God’s terms and wait upon His purposes and His timing”. 

It is good to be reminded that I will still be tempted. That I will still have a desire and that is does not mean all is lost. It means that I need to rely on the Lord more. Accepting His terms; day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, sometime every second of every day. 

“Even as you feel the pains of your re-birth, remember that His suffering, not yours, ensures your redemption from sin. Your sacrifice is only a humble reminder of his great and last sacrifice on your behalf”. 

How beautiful is that last quote above! I don’t have to suffer. I have to have Godly sorrow, plead with the father, and repent. But when I am being hard on myself  it is harmful. It does not  “help me learn a lesson”. I learn through the Lord. Not from Satan’s lies. 

I seem to get caught up in that a lot. I really want to work on that this week. I have so much good in my life. Because I have God I have good!

Thank you Lord for all you do. I love thee. I am grateful for thee. 

Much appreciation ,

- A recovering addict who is accepted by God, others and herself.