Weak in the Heart

I have been sick for the past few days. It has been very difficult for me to stay positive and not to give into temptation. I have been so triggered. It has been hard for me to stay focused, to have clear thoughts. 

Today I have been so sick of being sick. So sick of being weak. Sick of being tempted. I know that’s a bad place for me to be, but a hard one to get myself out of. I know I need the Lord’s help. 

I watched mormon messages and came across the listed below. I have watched it before. It is truly amazing. 

I know today I am weak in the heart, but I know the Lord is watching out for me. That I will be okay. Satan is attacking. I forgot my purpose and my identify today. I need to let the Lord help me. I need to be humble and teachable. 

Please Lord, Forgive me for being negative and not have pure thoughts. 

Help me have the faith. Help to not feel a lone. 

 Bless me to get nourished physical and spiritually.

Beauty of Forgiveness

I have tons of thing that I want to post that I haven’t yet. I feel prompted to go back and share with you some promptings I have had within the past few weeks. So the next few post will just be a catch up.

01/27/13

Dear Father,

I am sitting here in sacrament meeting. 

I am trying to focus.

I love thee.

I want thee to teach me, guide me, comfort me.

I know you do, and I am so thankful.

Lord, I have been realizing that I get stressed on Sunday because I stay up late and get worried about my calling. 

Lord, wilt thou help me to let go of worry and stress?

Help me to recognize the joy of my calling.

Lord, I thank thee for helping me, especially this last week.

I thank thee for prompting me.

I thank thee for protecting me.

I am so grateful I was able to reach out because of thy spirit. 

Father in heaven, I need thy help to not have hard feelings, especially against my bishop. 

  I feel like he forgot about me. 

I feel like he doesn’t care about me. 

I feel like because he has “forgotten” me, thy hast forgotten me 

I know he is only man. 

I know he is human.

Everything with him has been bothering me.

I don’t want satan to make me feel this way.

I know I have the power to let this go, but I need thee.

I don’t know how to let it go, I need thee.

Please help me see with your eyes.

Thank you Lord.

After church I read Experiencing Christ. On Pg 102 it reads:

Until we have experienced the Savior’s divine help, enabling us to forgive others, we will carry a heavy burden. If we look to the offender to heal the wounds they’re inflicted upon us, we will most likely experience even deeper wounding. 

The focus of forgiveness is on the sin, not sinner.

The focus of forgiveness is on the debt, not debtor. 

God releases or cuts off the sin, not the sinner.

Forgiveness requires compassion.

If you try to forgive while in pain of the offense it will be impossible. But when we allow His infinite love is extended in perfect measures to all men, even those we struggle to forgive. He desires to grant mercy to them, just as much as He desires to grant mercy unto us. 

I felt like I was soaking in forgiveness for the first time. There are so many beautiful lines that the spirit touched me with, I hope He has done the same for you.

I will be honest after sunday I forgot about these words. Until the other morning. As I was laying in bed half awake and grabbed my phone and searched forgiveness in the gospel library app.   

 A large list appeared and I randomly selected a talk from 1980 general conference initialed “Forgive them, I pray thee” by Vaughn  J. Featherstone. A few things stood out to me. The man giving the talk used to be a stake president. He shares a few stories of people who came in a confessed to him. In his talk he speaks of multiple experience in which people have come in with tears and humble expresses a transgression. (all of the stories are beautiful and I highly recommended reading them).

As a sister is confessing he stops her and said,” My dear sister, before you go on, let me share with you a principle of the gospel. When you take a burden off your soul, it is lifted from the priesthood leader’s soul, it is lifted from the priesthood leader’s soul also”

When I first read it, I will be honest. I was like.....sure.

But then He goes on to explain his view, as the stake president:

I have listened to possibly a thousand major transgressions and each time after a truly repentant transgressor had left my office, I have either knelt  behind the desk or bowed my head in prayer and said,” Lord, forgive him or her, I pray thee. if not, blot my name also out of they book. I do not want to be where they aren’t for they are some of the most Christlike people I have ever meet.”

The spirit overcame me in that very instant and let me know that the Lord is my father. That He cares for me. That he has called bishop’s for every individual in the ward. That he is watching over me. That if I let my bishop know how I feel (or anyone that has offended me) that I would feel the love of the Lord.  That I would be closer to my Maker. 

I am so grateful for the spirit and how and what it teaches me. 

I know this is a way late post. But I wanted to bear my testimony that the Lord truly understands me. The He will do all He can to help me. He is truly my best friend. I am so thankful He is helping me learn how to forgive. He is showing me compassion. His love is flowing through me. I promise He is there for you. He will help you forgive. He will help you with whatever you have need of. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Rescued!

I have a limited amount of time right now, usually I re-read, re-write and have tons of anxiety about what I wrote and if it made sense. However, today I just want to write. 

I have an amazing Heavenly Father. He is truly merciful. He is truly loving. He is there always. I mean it with all my heart. Tears are literally streaming down my face as I type. 

You see the lord rescued me yesterday. I was struggling a lot, for the past few days I have. I was really unaware of how bad it was getting. Yesterday it kicked in a lot. I felt so overwhelmed. I was unsure what to do about the circumstance I was in. Satan definitely knew where I was. He “helped me” to justify things. He “helped me” isolate. He “help me” feel like if I talked to my husband he would be angry.

I began to be prideful. (before recovery I thought I had was not a prideful person.) HA! Was I wrong. It is something that satan definitely “helps me” to justify.  I was full of pride a few days ago. I was frustrated about this addiction. I was frustrated that the Lord wasn’t helping me with something that was very precious to me. Something that truly mattered to me. 

As I debated whether to discuss it with someone. I felt the spirit. I said a quick (lazy) pray as I was walking around my house. I sat down and talked. I told someone how I felt, what I was feeling. 

I felt the spirit so strong. It was something that I hadn’t had the past few days and I didn’t realize it till that very second. I remembered everything Satan was trying to make me forget. The Lord did care! I was doing my part, even though that is hard to admit. I didn’t go to group because I was feeling a bit sick, when really I could have gone. I should have! I am so excited for wednesday!!! I was warned when my thoughts wondered, yet I certainly justified. Anyway, you get what happen: A LOT of justification. 

No matter how lazy or casual my pray was the Lord heard it. 

It’s always a good reminder to: Let go of pride and let Love in. God is love. 

And I love Him. I am truly overjoyed today because of the lord. 

He rescued me and the beautiful thing is, He always will!

Thank you Lord!