See Beneath My Mask

Recently I came across a song called "Beneath your Beautiful" by Labrinth. I want to share some of the lyrics with you.

You've carried on so long,

You couldn't stop if you tried it.

You've built your wall so high

that no one could climb it,

But I'm gonna try.

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?

Would you let me see beneath your perfect?

Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl

I wanna see inside

Would you let me see beneath you beautiful tonight.

I have been listening to this song over and over again today. It has taken on a special meaning. So hear me out on this: 

I have a really hard time knowing how I really feel. A lot of times when people ask me how I am, or what I am feeling, I have NO idea. Lately it has been something that I have been praying about and really trying to get inspiration from the Lord. The past few days it has been sinking in more and more. Thank you Lord for touching my spirit. For helping me be honest about myself and my feelings.

This is what I have come to realize. I have a lot of fear still. My past and my addiction's are something that I haven't let a lot of people in on. I have so many feelings that I want to express, but I am held back with fear. 

It is not so much that I don't know how I feel. I do, sometime I have just have to focus. Ha. But seriously! I didn't even know the fear was there. But the Lord gave me eyes to see. It has been a beautiful experience. I want to share some details of it.

So for the past few weeks when I attend an LDS 12 step program group I have felt like I should share my story. The first time I felt it, it was almost my turn to share. So I justified saying that I couldn't share that fast and that I would ponder it and tell it next week. Then the next week at group I had something that I thought was perfect to share, even though I still thought I should share my story (Ahhh! Can you believe that?!!?) So just this last Wednesday I had a prompting AGAIN to share it. I was so nervous. I kept praying. I was literally shaking. 

And I DID IT! I shared my story in group. I honestly don't know if what I share made sense, but I shared. And guess what happen? I felt amazing. I felt so open, so real!!! I felt free and more happy then ever before in group. I felt the spirit so strong. I felt united with the group girls so much more. 

Since then I have really realized how much fear I hold on to still. I have typed up my story to pst here, on my blog, yet don't ever post it. Seriously!!! I have always felt like I wasn't ready, that I put to much info or not enough, that I would offended someone, etc etc ALL FEARS FROM THE ADVERSARY! I bet Satan is so anger that the Lord has helped me figure this out little by little! 

BUT IT MAKES ME SO CRAZY GIDDY!!!! 

Really everyone, I am so glad the Lord had so much patiences with me, and always does. He answered my prayers, and always does. 

I know that by realizing that I hold back so much I am now able to stop, listen to the spirit more, realize it is fear and turn it into faith. That I can tell other people what I have been through. That I can be a light to those around me. 

I was in the temple and a few days ago and came across this scripture.  I know that I have heard it or read it heaps of times, but I literally feel overwhelmed with the beauty of it right now.

It is found in 3 Nephi 12. And reads: 

14. Verily, Verily, I say unto you, I give unto you to be the light of this people. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.

15. Behold, do men light a candle and put it under a bushel? Nay, but on a candlestick, and it giveth light to all that are in the house;

16. Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven. 

It is my hope that I can be that light. That I can show people my God. That I can "giveth light to all that are in the house".  I see so many doors opening. I see so many wonderful opportunities for me. I am so blessed. I am so grateful that I am not a lone in these addictions. So grateful for this blog network, that we can unite and drag each other out of isolation, or any other thing that Satan tells us. 

Back to the Lyrics up top, I know that I built a wall against God and others. I am so happy to be tearing them down, with the Lord's help, even if it is just one brick at a time. 

I want those around me to see beyond my "mask" I want them to really see who I am. I do not want to walk with shame and/or fear, but with the light of Christ. I want everyone to see "inside" of me, not just tonight, but always. 

I hope that we can all turn to God and let him break the chains that are weighing us done. That we can turn to Him to find His light. That we can turn to Him always, moment by moment and never forget all that He has done for us. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

MUCH MUCH LOVE!!

-Rachel