Dear Reader,
Writing my story is something that has taken a long time. I have re-written it countless times. But lately everywhere I go the Lord is inspiring me and pushing me to reach out to someone.
Whoever you are, I am so grateful that you are here. I hope that you can feel the Spirit and receive the strength you need from the Lord. I am a 22 year old woman who is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. By sharing my story I hope to show you that you’re not alone, that God loves you, and that there is hope through Him.
This is my story:
I am a daughter of God who is recovering from an addiction to masturbating which led me to pornography, cutting myself, anorexia, over exercising, binge eating, co-dependency, lying, and a variety of other destructive patterns.
I learned about masturbation at a young age as I was abused. It was then magnified as I spent time with other kids my age who had been victims of abusers and we innocently acted on what we had learned. Being young, only 6 or 7 years old, I felt uncomfortable, but couldn't explain why.
Nobody talked about masturbating, at least not where I grew up. It wasn’t until I was 13 years old that I learned from friends that what I was doing had a name and that “Mormon’s were NOT allowed to do it.”
I remember trying to understand it all. I decided then and there I was going to stop. Stop forever!! I think I made it a few hours then I indulged in my addiction, after becoming frustrated. I felt horrible! I was so overwhelmed and guilt began to flood my daily life now knowing that what I was doing was wrong. I felt like I was covered in filth.
I would pray to God begging Him to take away the temptation. I didn’t choose this. I was too young to understand. I was so confused! I didn’t understand why the Lord wouldn’t simply take it away. So I tried to change my behavior on my own. Every day was so painful. If any emotions came up I was trembling and screaming inside. Of course, I didn’t know how to deal with emotion, I had always just numbed out.
I felt horrible masturbating, but the longer I was “abstinent” the more depressed I was. I felt so angry ALL the time. I begin feeling like the Lord hadn’t taken away my problem and that I deserved to be in pain. Not just mental pain but physical pain. I started to cut myself on my upper thigh. It hurt, but I “knew” I deserved it.
This is when my self destructive habits increased. I wanted to stop masturbating but I simply replaced it with other harmful behaviors. I thought I was fat so I tried making myself throw up, and when I had a hard time doing that I stopped eating. Shortly after, I knew I needed to stop that. I was sick all the time. I was scared that if I kept pretending to eat that too many people would notice me. I thought that I didn’t deserve anyone’s attention.
In high school it became more about over exercising and being who everyone else wanted me to be. My depression was terrible, but I hide it, because once again I didn’t think I deserved anyone’s time or attention. I realized that I wasn’t happy and I had the desire to change. I was in and out of bishop’s offices. I would tell them bits and pieces but never anything about masturbating. I was to ashamed to even say the word. I felt dirty, sick, and completely worthless. I felt like God didn’t love me.
During my high school and early college years I found that men could please my addiction and I justified it as love. I loved the physical attention from them. If I didn’t get the physical love I “needed” I would be furious. I then in turn acted out in my addiction constantly.
I plunged into my addiction, because I felt the shame was to much to handle. I had to numb out. This led to pornography, deeper isolation, more shame, more anger, and more triggers. This left me hopeless and completely alone.
I had hit a complete rock bottom. As this point in my life I was with a man who didn’t love me, but only needed me to fulfill his appetites. And I didn’t love him either. One day (I don’t know how) the Lord showed me that I was at a fork in the road. I could literally see the road separate in front of me. I was standing there not knowing where to go. The right side looked straight and easy but in the distance I could see that it became dark, windy, hazardous, and overall very lonely.
I then looked to the path on my left thinking that I would be easy and bright. I knew this was the way of the Lord, but I expected this path to be an effortless and happy journey. However, to my dismay the path had a lot of rocks, it looked cold, and in the distance I could see a cliff that would need to be climbed. I knew that I would have to climb and that it would be impossible by myself. I knew that I would have to let go of many “possessions” in order to make the climb possible.
Neither of these paths were easy. I realized that I was going to need help. Help that included talking with my bishop and being completely honest with Him and the Lord.
This is when I attempted to go to my single’s ward bishop. Unfortunately, he was a friend of my parents. I remember sitting outside waiting to see him, screaming at myself inside to “turn back.” I don’t remember how the conversation went because I was so nervous. But the parts I do remember have changed my life forever. He accepted me. He loved me. It was so hard to accept that, after years of feeling like I didn’t deserve it. He gave me counsel, books, etc. Even though it was hard and I cancelled many appointments out of shame; I kept going back to see him, and even though it was very challenging I loved knowing that someone really knew me and still loved and accepted me.
Even though I was seeing my bishop the Spirit I felt there didn’t last me between meetings I still had a hard time letting my lifestyle go. I began to start living what I considered a “double life”. I longed to feel the love that the bishop had for me but the outside world continued to entice me to make wrong choices. I was so scared, so unsure. My bishop soon realized that I wanted to change but wasn’t taking the steps on my own to let go of the things that were holding me back. One particular meeting my bishop was very straight with me and reminded me that it was my path to choose, and I knew he was right. It wasn’t easy but as I continued to live the way I was I little by little I could see and feel that I really wanted something different.
One day my bishop introduced me to the LDS Twelve Step Addiction Recovery Program. He gave me a manual and said we would work the steps together. I remember having the desire to change, but at the same time I felt like it would end just as all the others had, leaving me back where I started.
I soon learned that the recovery programs had “groups” nearby that I could attend. However it was a while before I decided to actually attend. My bishop promised me that there were other women and girls going thru the same things I was, and I had a deep desire to find others I could relate to. I then began to search harder for an “all women's” group that I could attend. The first time I drove the a nearby church where a meeting was being held. However, I felt too ashamed and too nervous and could only sit in my car and watch other go inside. I tried to attend a variety of 12 Step meetings looking for one where I could feel comfortable. But up to this point I hadn’t found a meeting where there were others with struggles similar to my own.
One day while looking online for 12 Step Groups one popped out at me. It was a “Women's Addiction Recovery Group”. I was so excited because all the “women only” groups I had been to were support groups for families who had loved ones that struggled with addiction. That very week I attended the meeting. I remember walking into the room a few minutes after it had already begun. There were at least 15 women there, much more than I was expecting. I remember assuming that most of them would be there for eating disorders. As each woman began to share it was obvious that all of them had similar addictions. While I don’t hardly remember what specifically was shared I remember feeling the Spirit which was something I hadn’t felt in a long time.
I remember going home after feeling so much joy that I had been guided to find this group. That’s when I realized that for a long time it had been Satan trying to make me feel like I was all alone. He tried to make me feel that no one could help because a sexual addiction is “only a man’s problem” and that no one could relate to me. I felt a hope that I had never felt so strongly. I actually felt like this time would be different. That this time I had really found the means to help me change.
2 years have past and I continue to attend that same women’s group. It has changed my life in the most amazing ways for the better. And although attending this group has been one of the greatest helps on my road to recovery it is still a road none the less. A rocky road filled with ups and downs just as the path the Lord had shown me years before.
I tell my story to show that there is hope. That you are not alone. That there are resources and people that can help you grow closer to Christ, no matter how lost you may feel. By sharing my experience I ultimately hope to show that we have a loving God. A God of forgiveness. A God of hope. A God who listens to our prayers and is aware of us individually. I know this with every fiber of my being. The happiness that I have found is worth every trial and struggle that I have passed through. I realize just as before that the climb truly is impossible if attempted alone. But thanks to the 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program I have learned that it is made possible through Christ.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
