Step 9

I have been having a really hard time with step 9. This song is incredible!! I want to see "through eyes of grace".

I am so grateful for the Lord's help. I am so grateful that He is able to teach me how to "love the unloveable".

I know He will help me.

Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend!

Much Love,

Weak in the Heart

I have been sick for the past few days. It has been very difficult for me to stay positive and not to give into temptation. I have been so triggered. It has been hard for me to stay focused, to have clear thoughts. 

Today I have been so sick of being sick. So sick of being weak. Sick of being tempted. I know that’s a bad place for me to be, but a hard one to get myself out of. I know I need the Lord’s help. 

I watched mormon messages and came across the listed below. I have watched it before. It is truly amazing. 

I know today I am weak in the heart, but I know the Lord is watching out for me. That I will be okay. Satan is attacking. I forgot my purpose and my identify today. I need to let the Lord help me. I need to be humble and teachable. 

Please Lord, Forgive me for being negative and not have pure thoughts. 

Help me have the faith. Help to not feel a lone. 

 Bless me to get nourished physical and spiritually.

Beauty of Forgiveness

I have tons of thing that I want to post that I haven’t yet. I feel prompted to go back and share with you some promptings I have had within the past few weeks. So the next few post will just be a catch up.

01/27/13

Dear Father,

I am sitting here in sacrament meeting. 

I am trying to focus.

I love thee.

I want thee to teach me, guide me, comfort me.

I know you do, and I am so thankful.

Lord, I have been realizing that I get stressed on Sunday because I stay up late and get worried about my calling. 

Lord, wilt thou help me to let go of worry and stress?

Help me to recognize the joy of my calling.

Lord, I thank thee for helping me, especially this last week.

I thank thee for prompting me.

I thank thee for protecting me.

I am so grateful I was able to reach out because of thy spirit. 

Father in heaven, I need thy help to not have hard feelings, especially against my bishop. 

  I feel like he forgot about me. 

I feel like he doesn’t care about me. 

I feel like because he has “forgotten” me, thy hast forgotten me 

I know he is only man. 

I know he is human.

Everything with him has been bothering me.

I don’t want satan to make me feel this way.

I know I have the power to let this go, but I need thee.

I don’t know how to let it go, I need thee.

Please help me see with your eyes.

Thank you Lord.

After church I read Experiencing Christ. On Pg 102 it reads:

Until we have experienced the Savior’s divine help, enabling us to forgive others, we will carry a heavy burden. If we look to the offender to heal the wounds they’re inflicted upon us, we will most likely experience even deeper wounding. 

The focus of forgiveness is on the sin, not sinner.

The focus of forgiveness is on the debt, not debtor. 

God releases or cuts off the sin, not the sinner.

Forgiveness requires compassion.

If you try to forgive while in pain of the offense it will be impossible. But when we allow His infinite love is extended in perfect measures to all men, even those we struggle to forgive. He desires to grant mercy to them, just as much as He desires to grant mercy unto us. 

I felt like I was soaking in forgiveness for the first time. There are so many beautiful lines that the spirit touched me with, I hope He has done the same for you.

I will be honest after sunday I forgot about these words. Until the other morning. As I was laying in bed half awake and grabbed my phone and searched forgiveness in the gospel library app.   

 A large list appeared and I randomly selected a talk from 1980 general conference initialed “Forgive them, I pray thee” by Vaughn  J. Featherstone. A few things stood out to me. The man giving the talk used to be a stake president. He shares a few stories of people who came in a confessed to him. In his talk he speaks of multiple experience in which people have come in with tears and humble expresses a transgression. (all of the stories are beautiful and I highly recommended reading them).

As a sister is confessing he stops her and said,” My dear sister, before you go on, let me share with you a principle of the gospel. When you take a burden off your soul, it is lifted from the priesthood leader’s soul, it is lifted from the priesthood leader’s soul also”

When I first read it, I will be honest. I was like.....sure.

But then He goes on to explain his view, as the stake president:

I have listened to possibly a thousand major transgressions and each time after a truly repentant transgressor had left my office, I have either knelt  behind the desk or bowed my head in prayer and said,” Lord, forgive him or her, I pray thee. if not, blot my name also out of they book. I do not want to be where they aren’t for they are some of the most Christlike people I have ever meet.”

The spirit overcame me in that very instant and let me know that the Lord is my father. That He cares for me. That he has called bishop’s for every individual in the ward. That he is watching over me. That if I let my bishop know how I feel (or anyone that has offended me) that I would feel the love of the Lord.  That I would be closer to my Maker. 

I am so grateful for the spirit and how and what it teaches me. 

I know this is a way late post. But I wanted to bear my testimony that the Lord truly understands me. The He will do all He can to help me. He is truly my best friend. I am so thankful He is helping me learn how to forgive. He is showing me compassion. His love is flowing through me. I promise He is there for you. He will help you forgive. He will help you with whatever you have need of. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Rescued!

I have a limited amount of time right now, usually I re-read, re-write and have tons of anxiety about what I wrote and if it made sense. However, today I just want to write. 

I have an amazing Heavenly Father. He is truly merciful. He is truly loving. He is there always. I mean it with all my heart. Tears are literally streaming down my face as I type. 

You see the lord rescued me yesterday. I was struggling a lot, for the past few days I have. I was really unaware of how bad it was getting. Yesterday it kicked in a lot. I felt so overwhelmed. I was unsure what to do about the circumstance I was in. Satan definitely knew where I was. He “helped me” to justify things. He “helped me” isolate. He “help me” feel like if I talked to my husband he would be angry.

I began to be prideful. (before recovery I thought I had was not a prideful person.) HA! Was I wrong. It is something that satan definitely “helps me” to justify.  I was full of pride a few days ago. I was frustrated about this addiction. I was frustrated that the Lord wasn’t helping me with something that was very precious to me. Something that truly mattered to me. 

As I debated whether to discuss it with someone. I felt the spirit. I said a quick (lazy) pray as I was walking around my house. I sat down and talked. I told someone how I felt, what I was feeling. 

I felt the spirit so strong. It was something that I hadn’t had the past few days and I didn’t realize it till that very second. I remembered everything Satan was trying to make me forget. The Lord did care! I was doing my part, even though that is hard to admit. I didn’t go to group because I was feeling a bit sick, when really I could have gone. I should have! I am so excited for wednesday!!! I was warned when my thoughts wondered, yet I certainly justified. Anyway, you get what happen: A LOT of justification. 

No matter how lazy or casual my pray was the Lord heard it. 

It’s always a good reminder to: Let go of pride and let Love in. God is love. 

And I love Him. I am truly overjoyed today because of the lord. 

He rescued me and the beautiful thing is, He always will!

Thank you Lord!

The Crawl

My therapist showed me this video a few years ago. The other day I showed my husband and now I want to share it with all of you. 

It is entitled “The Crawl”. It is incredible! It is so hard to watch the pain of the runners. I could NEVER imagine that. Yet we all feel pain suffering, evil, good, happiness...etc. We all knew before we came here what we would feel. Life is not only joyful, but sometimes overwhelming.  

Each of us are given our own ‘unique’ trials. We are given trails (addictions) to “become perfected in Him”. To learn how to rely on the Lord. There have been times where I believed my trials where to much. I would cry out as Joseph Smith,”Oh God, where art thou”. I have felt like those runners. Putting all my effort and falling, completely exhausted. 

In “Experiencing Christ” Randall J. Brown says: God causes things to happen at exactly the right time. We must, therefore, stop trying to figure everything out and let the Lord be God in our lives. 

Jesus Christ came to exchange with us. Each of us can take advantage of His offer. He came so that we might give Him all our cares, problems and failures. He, in return, give us His peace and joy.

The Savior really does desire to take care of us, but we must let Him. We must stop trying to take care of ourselves and stop worrying about every little thing we cannot control. So often we insist on worrying and trying to figure things out on our own. By doing this, we miss out on the Lord’s guidance. The Savior will give us His peace if we first give Him our worries. We do this by trusting that He had the situation under control. 

What an amazing exchange! We give Him our worries and problems and He gives us His peace.” 

The Lord has said:

“For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall … follow after much tribulation.

“For after much tribulation come the blessings” (D&C 58:2–4).

I can testify to you that I know the Lord is there. He will save you. Work step 3 every day (put your trust in the Lord). “Surrender all things to Him”. 

It is my pray and hope that we can come to know that Lord, trust Him and depend on Him for every single thing in our lives. Even if is means we crawl every single inch of the way he will be there to lighten our burden, our affliction and even our addictions, but only in His timing. 

In the name of Jesus Christ,  Amen. 

Soul-deep Healing is Possible

In the book “Experiencing Christ” the author references an analogy from Rick Warren book “The Purpose Driven Life”. It goes as such:

“Imagine riding in a speedboat on a lake with an automatic pilot set to go east. If you decide to reverse and head west, you have two possible ways to change the boat’s direction. One way is to grab the steering wheel and physically force it to head in the opposite direction from where the autopilot is programmed to go. By sheer willpower you could overcome the autopilot, but you would feel consistent resistance. Your arms eventually tire of the stress, you’d let go of the steering wheel, and the boat would instantly head back east, the way it is internally programmed.”

The author of "Experiencing Christ” goes on to say:

“This is what happens when we try to change our lives through, will-power, self-discipline, or self-sufficiency. We may, through our own efforts, try to stop ourselves from...our addiction.  Our willpower may produce short-term results, but we will begin to feel tremendous inner stress because we have not dealt with the issue in our heart. If our faith is in ourselves, we will eventually relapse and return to...our addiction. This occurs because of reliance in our own insufficient strength.

There is only one way to change our internal auto pilot: to let the power of the Savior’s grace go to work in our souls and make us ‘new creatures in Christ.’ Only His infinite grace is sufficient to produce soul-deep healing.”

I am so thankful for the Lord and that He has and is directing my life. I am no longer exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated at my own efforts. For all things are possible for the Lord. I am so blessed to be reminded of this everyday. I love the Lord and through Him not only has my life been changed, I have been changed. I testify that He can and will change you. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

- A recovering addict who is accepted by God, others and herself.

Shame Of Addicts

I have had this addiction for about 14 years.  I was taught as a young children, really before I can remember. It is an addiction that has so much shame. If I even heard someone say the word ‘Masturbate’ two years ago I would cringe and feel like I literally would vomit. 

My addiction has always been very secretive. By starting this blog I was hoping to shed more shame and to help others. The definition of Shame to me is: painful, soul wrenching emotion that is caused by embarrassment, feeling unworthy or disgrace .

Guilt however is different then shame. I think of it like this:

Guilt: I have done something bad.

Actions and behavior.

VS.

Shame: I am something bad. 

Identity and self. 

There have been four different things that have helped me lift the shame of my addiction. 

1. When I started attending the twelve Step Addiction Recovery groups some shame was lifted. I finally knew that I was not alone. Satan had used this as a huge tool in my addiction. He would help me isolate myself more by making me believe that I was terrible, that my actions were unforgivable, and that if people knew who I really was they would be disgusted. By attending group I realized I was not alone!! How beautiful that was/is. If you are reading this and have had or are having these negative feelings about yourself I promise you they do not come from a loving Father in Heaven. It is the adversary and you do not have to be bond by him any longer. There are others who struggle. There is help. There is hope. 
2. In order to overcome the shame of your addiction you need to know that your addiction doesn’t define you. When my therapist asked me to say out loud “I have an addiction to masturbating”, I couldn’t do it. I felt like by admitting I was an addict I was then bond by it. However so much freedom comes from admitting you are an addict if you realize you are NOT your addiction. You are not a loser or a horrible person. This is a weakness, let it bring you to your loving father in heaven.
3. Reach out for help! Read that first sentence again!...AND again. Reach out for help!!! There are many wonderful people out there that are willing to help you. They know the painful shame of your addiction, but they also know the joy and freedom that can come from recovery. You need to be ready for help. YOU need to be the one to reach out and they will always be there.  Just like the Lord. You have to ask, but He is always there. My sponsor has helped me so many times! She is the one currently helping me realize how my addictions do not define me. 
4. Accept your loving Heavenly Father and his son , Jesus Christ and his atonement. If you are working the 12 step program you know that Step three is giving up your will. I promise that as you work your steps, ALL of them, the Lord will help you. The atonement will cover your weakness. 
5. I am adding a number five because it is so important. It is something that I have been working on with my own sponsor lately. Forgiving yourself! This is so hard for me (huge tool of the adversary!). You need to forgive yourself for every wrong step you took that led to your addiction. In step eight in the second to last paragraph it says,

”Finally, after you have listed everyone you have harmed, add one more name to the list- your own. When you have indulged in your addictions, you harmed yourself as well as others”. 

How beautiful! I promise that the Lord can help you forgive yourself. He is helping me right now. It is difficult, but as I turn my life over to the Lord it gets easier. 

I know that we can get rid of the shame of our addiction. The lord does not want us to carry that shame. In step 7 it says,” even as you feel the pains of your own rebirth, remember that His suffering, not yours ensures redemption in sin.” He has already suffered. You do not need to carry those burdens, lay them at his feet. 

It is my hope that I can do this. I have been working on it and need help with it. I am grateful to see the Lord hand’s in my life. He has removed the shame. I know it is a battle everyday, but He is still there for me. Ask, He is there for you too.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thank you for reading. 
- A recovering addict who is accepted by God, others and herself .