Addiction.
I
remember the day when my therapist said, “Rachel you must say that you are an
addict. Say out loud today: I am addicted to masturbating, pornography,
unhealthy eating and other destructive patterns.”
I
was hurt, angry, sad, overwhelmed and WOW, so helpless and hopeless. As I sat
there week after week she would ask me to say it again, I couldn’t. I felt
shattered.
One
day I sat there I finally said, “I am addicted to masturbating, pornography,
unhealthy eating and other destructive patterns”. Through my sobs I felt like I
had finally admitted what a failure I was. I was overcome with depression
because I felt totally and completely hopeless.
I
know as some of you are facing your issue you maybe overwhelmed at the thought
of having an “addiction”, just as I was.
In
the LDS 12 step program the very first step is Honesty:
“Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to
overcome your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable”
As
I began to take this step I thought it was going to be a step of pain, a step
of “showing how bad and awful I was”.
When
really, saying you have an addiction is saying: I struggle, I am not perfect,
and I am human.
Having an addiction does not define you! The only way I came to learn this,
truly know this in my heart, was through Christ. It took time and many moments
I need reminders that He does love me. Just the way I am.
By
going to the LDS addiction recovery groups, abstaining from acting out,
reopening a conversation with God, and repenting I have learned how much our
father in heaven loves us.
I echo what
Elder Holland said, “However late you think you are, however many chances you
think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents
you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel
you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of
divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light
of Christ’s Atonement shines.”
I love all
of you and hope you know that there is hope. By admitting you are an addict you
can finally seek the right help. I promise, the Lord is there with you… even
right now in this moment. No matter what you have done.
In the name
of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Much love,
Rachel, A recovering
addict from masturbating, pornography, unhealthy eating, and other destructive
habits.
Love this! It's so true! Addiction is a small part of the wonderful, amazing person that I am! We are all children of God and so loved!
ReplyDeleteI remember the first time I said "I'm an addict" out loud. It was at my fourth or fifth ARP meeting, and just saying it was so freeing. It was so beautiful to finally be able to accept myself, addictions and all, enough to be able to say out loud, "I'm an addict."
ReplyDeleteIronically, before I identified myself as an addict, I defined myself as an addict. And that was crappy. Once I was able to accept that, yeah, I'm an addict- I have addictions, then I was able to more easily define myself-- my worth-- outside of my addictions.
I'm not just an addict, though. After some time of saying, "my name is Stephanie, and I'm an addict," at my meetings, I changed it to "my name is Stephanie, and I'm recovering from sexual addictions." because I'm not JUST Stephanie-the-addict. And I didn't want to define myself that way. And then, after more time, I changed it to, "My name is Stephanie, and I'm recovering from addictions," because I'm also not defined by my type of addictions-- and, besides, I have so many addictions and not all of them are sexual. However, I still occasionally say, "my name is Stephanie, and I'm an addict."
At any rate, I'm now comfortable identifying as an addict, because I AM an addict. And it's a wonderful, wonderful thing to be able to accept myself so much that I can admit without shame that, yes, I am an addict. It's just a part of me as I am a human. I am a woman. I am a mother, an American, a Mormon, a musician, a divorcee, a reforming perfectionist, a T-Mobile employee, a daughter of God, and an addict. And I love that I can say that without shame, and with a healthy dose of self-love.